You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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