did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
