it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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