It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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