The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
