Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
