my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i think i have two assholes
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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