I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Rumble strips road head = magical
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
