So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
