I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
