I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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