i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
