So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
