I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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