ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
