sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
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I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
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I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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