I think my fart just growled at me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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