i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
