really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
