walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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