areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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