I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
