how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
