just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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