I think im going to throw up on grandma
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
