No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
