I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
