what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
