We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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