Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
