its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
