KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
