chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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