I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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