there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
