then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
