i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
