peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
