Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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