i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
