You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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