i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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