how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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