Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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