It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
