You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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