TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
