I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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