At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
