shes about as inviting as chlamydia
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
