you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
