im drinking this country out of the recession.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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