she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
