The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
