the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
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