if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
